MeSS oF STuFF

~Both optimists and pessimists contribute to our society. The optimist invents the airplane and the pessimist the parachute.

~Gil Stern

Alright, here we go. I've had about a million things I wanted to say on here all day and I was too focused on getting crap done to let myself stop and write. I am so happy right now. Haha, ya, I just realized I have another paper to write by Wednesday... which I can't start until Monday. But hey, that's life. And right now I'm done with just about everything that has to be done through Monday's classes! And I'm excited about this weekend: camping and General Conference!

Let's see... I think it is pretty dang funny how many people on campus STILL have pink hair from the Festival of Colors last Saturday :) Maybe it's good I didn't go the week after I got my hair dyed... I was also pretty amazed at all the people out on campus today. Haha, it's like the weather gets warm and all these people show up! Where have they been all semester? I bet the library wasn't very full today. It was so nice out! And... that's about as warm as I want it to get. Especially walking around campus with a heavy backpack all summer. But it made me happy!

So, my day... I slept in! Yep, until nine. And then I sluffed French. It was just a review for the test and they went over the practice test I was supposed to do last night but instead I went home to spend time with my boyfriend. So glad I did too-even and maybe especially with all the stress this week :) So I worked on my British Literary History paper and read a little American Literary History and actually ate breakfast... at like 11. Zoned out through British Lit and exchanged rough drafts. I headed over to the testing center and sat outside to study French.

Now, I knew this morning that it was sunny outside and that I was going to try to study outside. And I realized I'd left my sunglasses in my car. Which wouldn't have been a problem except I had to park down my street across a busy street and didn't feel like walking there. I underestimated how sensitive my eyes are. I swear it they weren't like this until last summer... I never understood people wearing sunglasses all the time. But then, I never understood the chapstick thing either and now I'm completely addicted. So I just might spend this summer in sunglasses...

Oh, one more thing. I've said it before, but headphones are an amazing invention. Use them! Seriously! I understand wanting to crank up the music and get lost in the noise or dance around the room. But I don't do that in my apartment with five roommates. I just think it's inconsiderate. But then, maybe I should have just gone to the library-there are just plenty of rude people there-on their phones, flirting, coughing, sneezing, talking, generally being annoying... I had earplugs though! And that helped! So I'm alright :)

Not Long Enough

Dear Blog Readers,

Is it worrisome that I want to be a writer and can't seem to write a five page paper given an entire day? It worries me. I now have two pages written. Double-spaced. And two hours left tonight to do it. I can just see that my points are not strong enough. And it's the spending hours online searching for articles that prove my point or that I could argue with that gets to me :( I really only have one good article. I'm comforted by the fact that it's only a rough draft due Thursday and that everyone around me in class was talking about how they hadn't started and hadn't even thought about what they were going to write about. So maybe I won't be the only one in my group who doesn't have a clear argument or a full five page paper.

Different Standards?

~When most people see an adult skipping they assume it must be on the way either to or from the asylum.

~Terri Guillemets

Here I sit. Trying to write the research paper that has plagued my life for over three weeks. The one that's due Thursday. That is 20% of my final grade. And I'm searching the internet for critical papers about any relatively short thing we read for class... or just one I read at all. I actually found several articles for a play we read. And I was pretty excited it might work. And I start reading... is it just me or have we always had to introduce the work we are writing on along with the author? Isn't that expected? Maybe I missed something. Because none of these papers have the author. And some of them don't quite sound like the play we read. But I can't tell. They jump into the play without even introducing it. I'm finding it a little frustrating.

Beyond that, I was just thinking how much easier my D&C paper was. Partly because I know the material better and it didn't have to have an argumentative thesis. But also because all my research was easy. I went to lds.org and typed in topics and found talks. Full-text talks right on the screen that I could copy passages out of or print if I wanted. On the library website I have to search, not get anything I want, click on a million links, hope they have a full text, only get a picture version, and refer back and forth from the internet to my document to copy out a quote. Basically, another frustrating aspect of school.

In French today we talked with a partner about our summer plans. Several trips to other countries, going home for the summer, whatnot... I'm staying here for school. My teacher actually called on me and asked about my plans. I forgot how to use the future tense. He said something about my being courageous to stay both spring and summer. I didn't mention I hadn't gone to school in the fall. But some days I think I'm crazy for staying. I know I have to for my scholarship, but still. I'm already getting burned out after my 8 month break from school. Kind of scary.

Anyway, I must get back to my paper. And I have to go grocery shopping today. I'm out of shampoo, staples, just about all my food... my bagels molded yesterday. ~sigh~

Furthermore

~I still get wildly enthusiastic about little things.... I play with leaves. I skip down the street and run against the wind. I never water my garden without soaking myself.

~Leo F. Buscaglia

To add to my last post concerning things I've given up on... clean dishes, an empty sink, a kitchen that smells good, a floor I can walk across without getting food stuck to my socks, and a door I can keep locked. Among other things :)

Let's see, it's only been a few hours. I know. I realized all my homework from here on out this week consists of one sixty page play, one regular assignment, three papers, two tests, and memorization. Not things that are easy to get done quickly... or to every really be done with-or done studying for.

*sigh* 24 hours ago I was home... I wish I could go back... no, that's not true. Cuz I was getting ready to leave then. No, I want to skip to Friday! Camping, Conference, family, clean house, sleeping in, a guaranteed parking spot, and, best of all, spending time with my boyfriend. I just have this feeling it's gonna be a long week.

For FHE we watched a really good video about a blue vase. I think that's the title too... it was worth watching. This guy spends hours trying to buy a blue vase because he gave his word. Just watching him I got frustrated with his task. I think I would have given up. Which is sad. But I think it's the truth. Haha, just look at me with my homework right about now. So looking forward to shorter semesters this summer and maybe a three-day weekend or two...

Anywayz, if you haven't seen the Kid History episodes on YouTube you should totally look them up! They're pretty funny. This one is probably the best and number one is pretty good too :)

Given Up... For Now

~We feel free when we escape - even if it be but from the frying pan into the fire.

~Eric Hoffer

I think it's time to admit I've given up. Yep, given up. At least for now. On having a clean apartment. On having milk in the fridge more than a week out of each month. Or having bread... at all. Feeling comfortable in my own apartment... Some days just feel like a repeat of the last. Everything is so much the same when I'm in Provo. Makes my weekdays so hard to get through.

This week is stressful. But then, I can try to get it all done. And it probably will be done. And by the end I won't give a darn about my grades. Which is sad. Because as best as I can figure, my grades are absolutely horrible right now. And with two weeks left, they aren't likely to go up all that much. Which scares me. I do not want to re-take French or British Literary History. They are, in fact, my two worst classes... and, consequently, the two I am mostly likely to fail. Sad day.

Four of fifteen classes done this week. Eleven of about a million assignments. Zero out of three tests. Zero out of three papers. Less than 94 hours till I go home again. 94 hours... such a long time. And yet not enough to get everything done that I know I need to.

I drove around my block for twenty minutes last night. Trying to find a parking spot. I know I talk about it a lot, but it bugs me to no end. And the "overflow" area (at least in my opinion) had construction cones along the road. I hate feeling like I've been left with no options. And when I do find a parallel parking spot... my car is usually too long to fit. Darn station wagon :)

Anyway, there's my random schpil for today!

Grammar

~The older I grow the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom.

~H.L. Mencken

Yes, I've blogged a lot today. I am trying to get ahead for the weekend, but it's also been a long day. Seriously lacking motivation. I have a good draft of my D&C paper to work on and I've started my ELANG homework. Oh, grammar. I've actually kind of enjoyed this class lately because it's finally having some actual application to life!

This week we are learning about cohesion. Sentences should never start with something that hasn't been discussed before. Only the title can really do that. So they should go A:B, B:C... or A:B, A:C... Which makes sense but is wholly frustrating. Because that is not how people write. And yes, it makes things more clear, but then it also makes writing and editing extremely difficult. Things can be understandable without being like this. Yes, it is a common problem-look up just about any article online. Textbooks are great at using all the grammatical problems we discuss in class. See, even in this blog I am not following this rule...

People aren't stupid. Well... haha, most people can figure out simple connections between thoughts and concepts. They don't need everything spelled out for them. It is making my homework difficult! Haha, I just might go back to writing my papers :) How sad.

Train of Thought

I love looking at pictures. I love seeing people smiling back. Most often they are some of the happiest moments of our lives. Some of the most memorable. Yet maybe without them we'd forget. Forget the details. Because there is always so much going on in life. So many things that it's hard to keep track. Even of the happy things. Because life is overwhelming. And the happy things pass so easily. And the hard things take over our thoughts. They take longer to sort out. They are the things we need to worry about. And somehow, worry takes precedence in our minds. Precedence over the happy things that drift lazily through our thoughts-when we know we should be focused on all those worries. It's a never-ending, depressing cycle. That we all go through. Maybe not all of us. And if not, I envy the people who don't experience it. Wouldn't that be the life?

Papers, papers...

~Always jump in the puddles! Always skip alongside the flowers. The only fights worth fighting are the pillow and food varieties.

~Terri Guillemets

I am having the hardest time focusing. Stupid thing is, I only had one class today. And all I really have to do is write two papers. I think the problem is that my options are so wide. I want to get all the research I can and write the best papers... thus I feel overwhelmed and have barely started. Even though I'm excited about my D&C paper.

I know that I'll have to write my three final research papers eventually. They have to be done. Just like every other bit of homework that I get every day of my life! And I know how good I'll feel when I'm done. Which is why I don't understand why I can't just sit down and write them! What the heck?!

Partly I feel like I have plenty of time. I got home from school at eleven today. I had 13 hours to work on homework. It is now four and I've managed to do some French and some things that I want to do. I am trying to work out a schedule for this fall and praying my account won't have a hold on it when I register next week because I haven't done my ecclesiastical endorsement...

I think I'm really starting to give up on this semester... 14 days left of class! In a month I'll be on my "Spring Break" in between semesters! I'm so excited!

The Canterbury Tales

Alright, so I have this irritating British Literary History class this semester, right? Well, I have to memorize the first 18 lines of The Canterbury Tales in Middle English. Haha, is it sad that I don't even know what it's saying?!

I've been working on this for several weeks and have 12 lines memorized-though I'm not so sure about my pronunciation... I have to recite this for my teacher next week... I'm pretty worried.

Pretty sure this is one of the videos my teacher told us might help us... oh my! (it has more than 18 lines)

Naps!

~I have always a sacred veneration for anyone I observe to be a little out of repair in his person, as supposing him either a poet or a philosopher.

~Jonathan Swift

Ah! Took a two hour nap that I hadn't planned on... guess I was pretty tired. And now it's already seven and I haven't even started my two research papers! But I think I needed that :) I was really really tired trying to do my homework earlier. Haha, and maybe the earplugs had something to do with it being peaceful enough for me to fall asleep.

I love naps. Ya, I chunk of my day is gone when I sleep for two or three hours. But many times it's worth it. I feel like I can jump back into homework-at least a little bit. And maybe I can stay up a little later because I had a little more sleep earlier.

Man, this post is sounding like my writing for school! It's corrupting me! Like the other day I was at the store and reading a sentence in the newspaper and I was parsing it out in my head and trying to figure out if the modifier was in the right place... how sad. Though that may be good-getting practice and what not. Haha, but now even when I write in my journal I am more careful about subject length and modifier placement. Kind of sad that kind of practice isn't what's going to help me on my final...

My Mini Spring Break

~The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek.
~Joseph Campbell

In honor of BYU's lacking a spring break, I took a day off school! Yes, a Tuesday. Yes, I only had one class that day anyway. And yes, I only went home. But it was such a good day and a half! Sometimes I hate the feeling of missing something I should be at... but sometimes it feels liberating!

I went home Monday afternoon. It was so windy that I ended up flying kites at the park with my boyfriend! I don't remember the last time I flew a kite. Thus, I was unprepared for when the ridiculously strong wind (which I had battled the hour drive home on the freeway) pulled the kite out of my hand effectively giving me a rope burn across my finger. A nice white line across the part where my finger bends. It stung for a while. But it was also a lot of fun once we got the smaller kite going!

Tuesday I slept in, talked to my sister, held my nephew, did some homework, and spent time with my boyfriend. And hated coming back to Provo even though I'll be home in two days for the whole weekend! It was SO worth going home! And now I only have two days left this weekend, three weeks left this semester. Haha, and I'm having such a hard time finding motivation. THIS is why BYU needs at least a three or four day weekend for a break. Weekends aren't enough. One day off isn't enough. AH! I think it will be something I forever resent.

Oh my grades...

~You'll seldom experience regret for anything that you've done. It is what you haven't done that will torment you. The message, therefore, is clear. Do it! Develop an appreciation for the present moment. Seize every second of your life and savor it. Value your present moments. Using them up in any self-defeating ways means you've lost them forever.

~Wayne Dyer

I know I'm supposed to be working on homework. Haha, especially considering the topic of this post! So, I was looking at my grades this semester-what with there only being three weeks left of class... Well, it's not looking so hot.

Let me just say, I was an honor roll student all the way through high school. And I took college level classes. But my grades have really gone down hill. I was put on probation for my New Century Scholarship last year and lost it-due to taking a semester off, not cuz of grades. I think I've lowered my standards. I've been kind of excited at my grades getting up to 79%-three of them now.

So I looked up a GPA calculator and typed in all my classes, credits, and grades... I am not even going to reveal on here how bad it is! It is pathetic. It truly is.

"BYU: Where your best is never good enough."

[In]Dependence

~I hate mankind, for I think myself one of the best of them, and I know how bad I am.

~Joseph Barett

Alright, I don't even know what to write. When I miss two days I feel like I have so much to say. And often times I start writing posts in my head. But then I'm not by my computer and I don't take the time to write them down. The problem is that I already feel like I wrote them. Like I got everything out that I needed to. Which doesn't make for very good blogging, does it?

I have realized something lately. Well, I guess I knew it before. But I've been more aware. I have a hard time depending on other people. I really do. I like to know what's gonna happen, when, where, and who's going. I'm talking about lots of situations here. Like my visiting teaching that I didn't know about until the day of. Or group projects. Or FHE. There are tons of things!

And then, I like to be able to do things for myself. It's a good thing my dad started teaching me when I was young to let guys open the door for me. For one, I can do it myself. For two, I hate going first. Which kind of contradicts my doing things for myself. But then it goes back to depending on people cuz if I go first I don't know what they are doing or if they're going to follow me. I hate the group projects cuz I feel like I could do things better myself-and you never know if everyone is going to follow through. Or planning FHE last year and never knowing if the other leaders where going to remember and be prepared.

I know, it kind of sounds like I'm talking bad about a whole bunch of people. But I'm not. It's my problem. Life is all about relationships and talking to other people and working with other people. And people are people. They probably feel the same way about me most the time.

Thursdays

~You can kiss your family and friends good-bye and put miles between you, but at the same time you carry them with you in your heart, your mind, your stomach, because you do not just live in a world but a world lives in you.

~Frederick Buechner

Thursdays used to be my favorite day of the week.

Not that they're terrible now. But today I'm just feeling like relaxing, forgetting about my homework. I'm sitting here in my BYU sweats and a baggy shirt listening to country music on Slacker radio with both my ear buds in to block everything else out.

I know I'll regret not working on my research papers-and maybe I'll get a little done-but by Thursday I just don't have the motivation.

I've gone home at least once a week all semester (alright, besides the first two weeks cuz I didn't have my car in Provo cuz I couldn't drive with my sprained ankle). Last year I wanted to prove that I could do it on my own; that I could stay at school for two or three weeks at a time. Haha, and take my laundry home... I felt like I had something to prove. I guess I still do.

But I've come to believe that going home isn't saying I can't handle living on my own. I miss everyone at home and being in a clean house and having people talk to me and things to do and people to do them with. I think I need that break for my sanity. A break from the homework and the cramped apartment and sitting alone in my room for hours at a time. The frustration of not being able to control anything.

I'm in charge of the dishwasher this week. It's a high-maintenance job. But it's not so bad if you stay on top of it. The problem is that even when it's "dirty" and empty, people pile their dishes in the sink. I just don't understand it. And then all the dishes are covered in junk in nasty water. Generally everyone else empties the dishwasher and tells us to pick out our own dishes. I've even been putting the dirty dishes in the sink (from when the washer was running) into the dishwasher. Well, one time I wasn't able to. I just find it extremely frustrating and I do not understand it. It's a much better situation than last year, but I've heard just about everyone has problems with dishes...

Ya, there's my little rant for today-haha, sorry! I think I'll just relax and listen to music and watch Glee and go to bed before midnight. That sounds so nice!

19 Days :)

Plenty of people miss their share of happiness,

not because they never found it,

but because they didn't stop to enjoy it.

~William Feather

Happy St. Patrick's Day! I love seeing so many people wearing the same color on one day-especially in college :)

My laundry is done! Except for the few things I forgot to wash... always happens. But guess what! The laundry room was empty-there was maybe one other load and no other girls! My machines worked and I only had to run one dryer twice-and not cuz it didn't work but cuz it was a large load.

And I was putting together a list of next week's homework-gonna be so nice! I don't have British Literary History for 11 days! I hardly have any homework next week and no tests! Just three final papers to write... yuck! But it's not too bad.

And it's Thursday! 19 days of class left this semester! Remember when I was only 19 days into the semester?! Oh, and I don't have French tomorrow!

I do not know what's up with all the exclamation marks today :)

Batteries Exhausted

~The obscure we see eventually. The completely obvious, it seems, takes longer.

~Edward R. Murrow

Anyone who knew me two years ago or read my blog in January knows that my family had CO poisoning. Since that event I haven't slept anywhere without a CO detector. I took one on our family vacation to California and the trip to Jackson Hole. Some places already have them, but I will always take one as well. When I moved away from home I took one and it's been on in my bedroom ever since.

Last night I woke up to an annoying beeping. It took me a while to figure out what it was. I am not a morning person and I hate my alarm. I am surprised I figured out it was my detector as quickly as I did. I climbed out of bed and grabbed it. I held it until it beeped again to make sure that's what it was. Then I pulled out one battery, set it on my desk, and crawled back into bed annoyed.

Smart, huh?

I heard a story of a woman who just turned hers off when it started beeping. I don't remember if it was at night or not. But I couldn't help but think how stupid. The very thing that is supposed to tell you if you have a deadly poisonous gas that you can't see, taste, or smell is in your house is not something to ignore.

I don't think it's so strange anymore.

Stupid maybe, but not strange.

I lay in bed trying to get back to sleep and my heart wouldn't calm down. It was beating like I was scared to death. My breathing was calm and everything else was normal. That's when I started to get scared. I didn't feel any symptoms when I was poisoned so I don't know what it would be like. So I crawled out of bed, grabbed my cell phone, the detector, and the battery I pulled out, and headed to the front room.

I read all the notes on the detector. From what I understood, if it beeps every thirty seconds it means the battery needs to be replaced. Makes sense-it's been running for 18 months. But I was really out of it before and I don't know exactly what it was doing. And there was no way I was going back to bed without assurance that I was safe.

Last week the batteries in my camera died. Haha, well, they were "exhausted" really. I put the extra ones that were in the case into the camera and figured I'd find my pack of batteries sometime. I should have had them out. Should have at least known where they were. So I headed back to my bedroom to search my stuff for batteries without waking my roommate up. I found them without too much trouble.

When you put the last battery in it makes a loud beep. Well, 5:45 am in an apartment with five sleeping girls, I was a little worried cuz I didn't want to wake anyone. But I did it quickly and waited until it read zero. I still had a hard time sleeping for about an hour, but then I was fine.

I know, I probably over-reacted for dead batteries, but it was worth it. I'm not going through that again.

Writing

~I am a man, and alive.... For this reason I am a novelist. And being a novelist, I consider myself superior to the saint, the scientist, the philosopher, and the poet, who are all great masters of different bits of man alive, but never get the whole hog.

~D.H. Lawrence

Today is a good day. I am getting so much done! I'm lovin' the time change and how light it is at seven thirty! And the lady didn't lecture me when I went to the French writing lab!

Devotional today was so good. It inspired me. Reminded me why I want to write. We had the founder of Walden Media, Michael Flaherty, speak to us. I can't even explain why it was so good! He just talked about the influence stories can have on our lives-for good or for bad. And how he started Walden Media because he wanted to give children good entertainment.

It made me want to write. I want to inspire someone. I wanted to go home and sit at my computer and type out all my thoughts and edit them and make something amazing... So I went to my British Lit class and tried to remember that reading all this old stuff that doesn't make sense to me is supposed to teach me what good writing sounds like. Or something like that.

I miss reading and writing. Like, what I want to read and write. When I take a break from homework I generally watch a television episode. It requires less work. And pretty much all my homework is reading and writing-so I need that break. Somehow I need to fit that in my schedule-read and write for me!

I also read a story today for my American Lit class about a guy who is dying and thinks of all the things he'd meant to write. And how he wasn't going to have that chance anymore. He said that as he was laying there he'd been paying attention to how the birds flew above him in case he ever wrote about it. I know what that's like... riding in an ambulance I was trying to capture the moment in words so I could describe it (only for a minute though...) It was just sad that he had so much he wanted to say and wasn't going to be able to.

I want to write now. I want to get it out-not wait until I feel like I'm more adequate.

List Making Addict

~I've always thought that a big laugh is a really loud noise from the soul saying, "Ain't that the truth."

~Quincy Jones

Record for blog viewers in one day today-most in the last month of statistics that I can see!

So, for FHE tonight we played a few games. I've played them before and have always struggled. I've decided to work on lists of things to make them easier next time I play. Because I'm sure there'll be a next time.

"I have never" or "Never have I ever"-great game! I love it. Fun times playing that in high school with my friends and my honors English class. It's pretty easy-you put up ten fingers. As you go around the circle each person says something they've never done. The other players put down a finger if they have done it. Last person "wins"-pretty much, they've done the least.

I always have my generic "never tried a hamburger" and what not. But I have been on an airplane. And a lot of people haven't been out of the country or broken any bones. And I know there are a ton of things I haven't done but I am not an on-the-spot thinker. But I am a list-maker! So I plan on making a list to refer to if I ever play again.

"Two truths and a lie"-pretty sure everyone's played this. It is a very common get-to-know-you game. Simple: you tell two truths and one lie and everyone guesses which one is the lie. Now, if you know me you know I'm a terrible liar. Haha, besides the not being able to easily come up with good ideas :) So I plan on making a list for this as well!

So basically, I love lists. I make them for even the simplest and least important things in life. The end.

Earplugs are Amazing

~I have often lamented that we cannot close our ears with as much ease as we can our eyes.

~Richard Steele

In the spirit of catching up, I am blogging one more time today.

First, earplugs are amazing. The end.

Second, I just organized a whole bunch of my writings from high school. Well, all from high school. I still have to print off everything from college. All my poetry and short stories and braided essays... it's exciting! It's so cool to see them all piled together in a binder. I've read through a lot of them as I printed them off a few weeks ago. Some are a lot better than I would have expected. Haha, and then some are just really not so great.

I was thinking I'd post one of my poems or something on here but I think I've put most of the best ones on here before-or they're printed in the Literary Magazine. And I am feeling a little too lazy to go through and find a good one I haven't shared and then try to find the file on my computer-seriously, I lose those ones!

So maybe sometime this week... we'll see.

I'm not looking forward to this week. I have SO much to do and two tests and three papers and memorization and lots of reading and studying and real life things to do as well... But I'm feeling pretty motivated to get things going tomorrow. Mondays can turn out to be pretty good days depending on how productive I am. If I manage to get a good chunk of the week's work done-then I feel pretty good about myself.

Hm, ever get sick of your own vocabulary? I've noticed lately that I say "pretty good" a lot. That's always my response. So it doesn't sound quite as negative as I may feel but it also covers me in case things get worse cuz it wasn't just "good." Interesting...

A Long Letter

About three weeks behind on my journal. Yep. And now I'm trying to catch up. I have SO much to say about everything! I have been writing a paragraph or so every day but that's so not enough. I like details! And when I get behind, it's so much harder to write cuz I don't even know where to start!

I have written 64 pages since January 3rd. Typed pages. 11 point font. It's exciting to me how much I've written, how much of the last two and a half months I have recorded. And I love going back and reading parts. Most of it I still really remember. But it's the details and the way I felt about it then that makes it interesting.

_______________________

"I write constantly, but only in my journals. I have three of them: one for travel, one for home, and one I write in before bed. But the last thing I want is other people reading it..... What's really fun is reading your journal, like a year later..."

-Cameron Diaz

"After the writer's death, reading his journal is like receiving a long letter."

-Jean Cocteau

"I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read in the train."

-Oscar Wilde

"I write journals and would recommend journal writing to anyone who wishes to pursue a writing career. You learn a lot. You also remember a lot... and memory is important."

-Judy Collins

Pictures!

~The informality of family life is a blessed condition that allows us to become our best while looking our worst.

~Marge Kennedy

Well, good weekend at home :) Gonna be a long, busy, stressful week though... I uploaded the photos off my camera this afternoon! Teague's blessing and yesterday :) They are in no particular order cuz I couldn't make it work on blogger. Sad day. But that's alright!

Lilly trying to calm Teague down-such a cute big sister :)

Teague's cute blessing outfit!

So adorable!!!

My parents :)

Brae and Teague-so sad but so cute!

New Invention?

~The worst thing in the world is to try to sleep and not to.

~F. Scott Fitzgerald

It's almost the weekend! I can't wait! I was on top of my homework this week... but I went through my class schedules for next week today and I have so much work! Somehow, I'll manage to do it though! I will.

So today I was going to post pictures from last weekend on here... but then I didn't feel like uploading them all to my computer and dealing with posting them and all that. I know, maybe it sounds a little lazy, but, ya, no excuse. I'll do it another day :) Less than 5 weeks of classes left this semester! And midterms will be over at the end of next week!

I do have to say though, that I'm a little jealous of everyone having spring break right about now. Curse you! Haha, no, it just really bothers me that I don't even get a Friday off or anything. And BYU started a week before everyone-we need a break too! It just irks me a little when I read about other people's awesome breaks on Facebook.

So, question. Headphones aren't a new thing, are they? Like, most people know what they are? Cuz I thought it was common knowledge. But I've started to second guess myself here at college. Today I was trying to study in the hallway between classes and this guy had his laptop open playing music... not for long, but it was weird to me! Or how I have to do my reading homework around when people are home... Not that I have anything against them or the people who are loud everywhere on campus (which is why I no longer study in the library) but it makes it hard to focus sometimes.

It's better than last year though. There was nowhere I could go anytime to get away from it all-library was loud, hallways were loud, outside was cold, the lobby had couples, my kitchen had couples, my roommate blasted music or chatted with her boyfriend on webcam... wow, I did not mean to complain like this today. I'm getting a headache just thinking about it!

On a happier note, today was amazing outside! It was so beautiful! And it smelt like summer on campus! I'm pretty excited! And I swear I smelled BBQ chicken and campfire walking home...

Plagued By Doubts

~While I thought that I was learning how to live, I have been learning how to die.

~Leonardo Da Vinci

Just trying to dig my way into a deeper hole by writing this paper for British Lit. So, from what I understand, I have to pick a text we've read. Then I have to read critical papers on that text. I have to find one that I don't agree with or seems weak. And, I have to argue with it. Two-page paper...

But the whole time I'm reading or trying to plan my paper or thinking up arguments I'm just imagining the comments in the margins of my paper. I can see them. In her messy handwriting. About how that's not really what he was trying to say or how I didn't take the argument head on or how she just doesn't understand what that sentence meant...

GAH!!! I just want to scream. I've not yet in my college career seriously considered not writing a paper. Especially not a two-page one. Two pages=10% of my grade. Are you kidding me? I was working this out in my head. Not doing this paper would take me down to an F. I have little hope of getting up very far at this point. I could fail the class. Take it over. Lose my scholarship. Take out loans. Be in debt for the next ten years...

I know I'm being dramatic, but one paper should not have such an effect on my life!

I'm plagued by doubts about my ability to write for this class. The prompts are not normal. I do not even understand what she is looking for! How the heck am I supposed to please her? Huh? And it is about pleasing her. Granted the university is supposed to teach me how to learn and be successful and write and whatnot. Well, turns out I'm learning to be successful by jumping through hoops and people-pleasing.

But I've known that's how things worked for a while... high school... middle school... I just try not to think about it or it really makes things depressing.

Procrastination

~Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing at that moment.

~Robert Benchley

My homework list is fairly short this week, yet there is so much reading! I think it's a little sad that I know it takes approximately six minutes to read one page in my Norton Anthology. This means that when I look at my homework list and have to read thirty pages for one assignment I know it will take about three hours. And that, is depressing.

And I have about three more long reading assignments this week.

I need to start that British paper. It is, in fact, only a two page paper. But the instructions are just not clear! I have no clue what she wants. And any student understands that with less than 48 hours left before we have to turn it in, it's not the best message to send your teacher an email asking what the heck you're supposed to be doing.

So, I've started working on Friday's homework, and even some of Mondays. I have this theory. Well, it's not really a theory, but it sounds more sophisticated that way. I've said it on here before. Some days there's one assignment I really don't want to do. And that is the next thing I really need to work on. So, I avoid it. And get nothing done at all.

I've discovered that it's better to just keep busy. I may just do anything except that assignment but at least I'm getting something done. And I'm hardly one to not do my work on time. So then I end up getting it done-even if not my best work-and ending up ahead. I still feel productive while I'm procrastinating!

Now that I'm caught up blogging I think I'll go read some of Friday's or Monday's homework or work on memorizing the first 18 lines of "The Canterbury Tales" or pick a lyric poem to memorize or write in my journal or start my Elang homework... and maybe I'll get around to that very confusing, sure to be a failure paper.

Nothing Important

~The same fence that shuts others out shuts you in.

~Bill Copeland

Dear blog readers,

I have nothing important to say. Yep, that's why I have a blog!!! No really, I was reading for American Lit and decided I needed a ten minute break. So I got on the internet to check my Facebook and whatnot... that was an hour ago.

I would ask how it's possible to waste so much time online, but I think everyone has had such an experience... or a few million. And this is guaranteed if you're a student. So I don't feel the need to go there. But blogger is my last stop before I go get something done... or maybe eat some dinner. Well, if we have any clean silverware left, which isn't likely.

But, I was able to get a few things done... I found my priority date for Fall 2011 registration... in three weeks. And I started looking up class times and teachers for the classes I need. I don't know what it is but I get so excited when it comes to planning my new class schedule. Even when I know I'll be hating all those classes soon enough. It's just exciting to see how it all fits together and for something new!

I also typed up all the authors for American Lit and what they wrote for my second mid-term this weekend. So I can memorize who wrote what and how to spell their names and the titles of their pieces so I can match them with the quotes on the test from their pieces. Ya, almost all the points I lost on my last test were from that section.

And, I'm working on getting my blogging caught up-so I can mark that off my list!

Someday I'll Write a Paper...

~Don't be too harsh to these poems until they're typed. I always think typescript lends some sort of certainty: at least, if the things are bad then, they appear to be bad with conviction.

~Dylan Thomas

Someday I'm going to write a paper that incorporates all the idiotic corrections my teachers always give me. It's like I have to find some strange balance in between everything that is impossible. It's like every paper changes entirely. And when you try to fix one thing something else isn't good enough.

And thus, it is days like today I wish I could major in math.

When there really are answers and as long as you did work to get there and you have the right answer, there's no dispute. Which is funny because I've always liked how English was open for discussion. That it was a way to explore your thoughts and seek to understand for yourself and in your own way. And for all the talk of "the question 'What is this poem about?' destroys poetry" you really are doing that to my essays.

Maybe I'm just a little irked because of my bad grade. And I really tried. Which really makes me hesitate to start the paper for the same class that's due Thursday. Why try? At least then I'll actually feel like I deserve the crappy grade I receive. And they are the dumbest writing assignments I've ever had... but that's another issue.

Yes, someday I will write a paper that repeats everything enough to make sure the reader knows what I'm referring to. One that points out exactly what thoughts were mine and what were the writer of the piece I'm analyzing-without using "I." I paper that works through the paper without giving a summary of it. That describes the way the author wrote but with all new information. One that has enough quotes but more descriptions of them. That painstakingly explains every minor detail but only gives the needed information.

Yes, someday I will write the paper all my teachers expect. And they will bash it until they feel it deserves a D grade.

French Oral

~Every American child should grow up knowing a second language, preferably English.

~Mignon McLaughli

Oh Mondays... haha, no, today hasn't been too bad. I love this rainy weather and the day went by pretty fast. I actually felt like I knew what was going on in French-which was kind of nice. And I'm trying to get ahead on my reading for the week so I can focus on my British Lit paper due Thursday.

The worst part of today had to be that dang French Oral test. It combined my hatred of French, my horrible test taking skills, and my fear of being recorded. Ya, I was so looking forward to that. I don't particularly like talking to the computer... haha, well... in French and saying what they want me to say. But talking to the computer in a room full of silent people=not fun at all.

And I didn't help that two girls from my class were there as well-then they could hear how bad a truly am. Wonderful. Well, haha, it's not like they couldn't tell before. I was kind of glad when my sound system didn't work and I got to go to the far side of the room in the dark with no one around so I wouldn't disturb the others.

I totally blanked though. I had no idea what to say and I started messing up my verbs and I couldn't go back and fix them and my teacher can just go through and hear all my mistakes. I hated the oral exams where we met with the teacher, but they were better than this...

So, if I fail the oral, I wouldn't be surprised.

Oh Parking...

If I had a single flower for every time I think about you, I could walk forever in my garden.

~Claudia Ghandi

Just got back to Provo. I don't particularly like coming back. It's not so bad here but I just have a hard time right after I've been home. Because I miss what I just left. I miss my family and having people around to talk to all the time and not worrying about homework and not having to cook and, of course, my boyfriend :(

So I find the parking situation around BYU ridiculous. Really. There is nowhere near enough parking for all the student housing they have crammed in here. Not all the students have cars-thank goodness. I can usually find a spot in one of the two small parking lots for my complex. But I try to plan my outings around when the most people will also be gone-how sad.

The one night that I got back at one in the morning I was really worried about parking but I actually found a spot to parallel park after only ten minutes or so. That was pretty amazing. I finally just parked down the street and across the busy street and called my dad and talked to him while I walked home. It scares me to walk around in the dark-even in Provo. I have pepper spray-but with my purse, laptop, dance bag, and two shopping bags, I don't know that I could have gotten it out...

Had a pretty good weekend at home. I know, seems like I go home a lot. I do. But not enough. Just sayin'. Hung out with a friend from high school, spent Saturday with my boyfriend, went to my nephew's baby blessing, family dinner... time goes by so fast at home!

Midterms!

The more studying you did for the exam, the less sure you are as to which answer they want.

Want to hear again my most repeated line?! I hate French. There ya go. We'll just get that out of the way. Today I had a rolling final in my British Literary History class. It was mostly about sonnets and lyric poetry-I think I did okay. I hesitate to say well because even when I think I do well... I don't :)

Then I came home and studied for a while and went to the testing center for my second grammar midterm... ya, I did better than last time! Still got a, um, F? Ya, I suck. And I even checked all my answers and thought I new what I was doing. Oh well. The final isn't for a month and a half so I'll study then. I think my French homework has further ruined my test taking skills. I get two chances to try every assignment-so I just guess on the first and whatever way is right I fix the rest. Haha, not so with tests!

I then walked out of the testing center, around to the other entrance, and went in to study for my French test. And, my MP3 Player decided to die. Well, the battery was over half and then it would all the sudden freak out and die. I turned it on several times with such results. I did get a few songs out of it! Pretty sure I flunked. And I have never spent so long in the testing center in one day... or taken two tests there in the same day.

So, I'm ready for the weekend. I get to go home! And yesterday was fantastic! My boyfriend came to see me! Wonderful night away from my apartment and homework and everything. Haha, and of course I love being with him!

I miss taking my laundry home

~Every day is conquerable by its hours, and every hour by its minutes.

~Robert Brault

I don't really feel like blogging today. No motivation to do homework-well, mostly cuz all I have left this week is a paper to start and three tests to study for. And, despite yesterday's devotional, I do cram before a test. Three midterms tomorrow... why would I study now when I'm just going to forget???

Can I just say how much I love country music?! It's so amazing. I've missed listening to the radio in my car everyday and my MP3 Player for eight hours a day... alright, I just miss a half hour or so of that :) But I listen to music on YouTube now... which means I have to remember songs, think of ones I might want to listen to.

Haha, the other day I ended up listening to Disney music. I realized I missed a lot of Disney-or I just really forgot a lot of it. I remember girls camps and Oakcrests when we sang the songs or that's all we could listen to so we had dance parties to it in our cabins late at night. And half the time I didn't know the words. Really, sometimes I didn't even remember hearing those songs before in my life. So that was pretty fun, to listen to some...

Gah! I'm sitting here trying to write and as I'm typing sentences I am parsing them out in my head to see if there are any major errors. I guess that could be good-practice for tomorrow's test. But then, since I really don't think I know what I'm doing, I don't know how helpful it really is :)

Oh, so, yesterday I finished two loads of laundry. So dang frustrating. I actually found two machines that worked on my first trip to the laundry room. And I even had $1 bills to get quarters. Just enough really-after how many times I had to run the dryers. I put the loads in the washers without a problem. I came back a half hour later and the one was done-so I put it in a dryer and started that. I avoided the one that didn't work last Friday...

The other machine was different so I had to go back twenty minutes later. And... every dryer that was done was full of dry clothes-all, like, four of them. I hadn't taken my basket-so I carried a pile of wet clothes back to my apartment. I went back to put them in the machine after I took out my other load and everything here gets fuzzy...

One time I went back and my wet clothes from the dryer were on the dirty table-someone had taken over my machine-haha, that apparently hadn't even worked! I managed to get both loads in different machines at the same time-pretty sure I dried each one at least twice. I'm going to make a chart for myself and keep track of which dryers don't work so well. One time I went back there was a girl in there I talked to-she said she felt like it was a puzzle she had to figure out each time-which ones worked. She'd just put a load in one I don't think dried my load that day...

Okay, long, pointless, maybe confusing story... but, it is my blog. So there you go :)

Devotional!

~I am learning all the time. The tombstone will be my diploma.

~Eartha Kitt

First day of March! And it's so beautiful outside! I didn't even need a jacket on campus! I'm pretty excited about being able to study outside and enjoy the warmth. Too bad I didn't have any of my homework with me today. And that I was starving. Or maybe I would have stayed on campus... and avoided walking by the voting table when there weren't other people to keep the representatives occupied. That was fun.

I love that we have devotionals at BYU. One of the highlights of my week! Today it was, in fact, kind of a slap in the face. But it was such a good talk. You know, I've always love the LDS atmosphere here. (I was going to say atmosphere in general, but that's not true. Some of the culture here is a bit extreme) But I hadn't realized how my classes don't seem all that much more religious. Ya, scripture references come up a lot. And there isn't any swearing. Alright, much swearing... thank you British Lit professor...

But the professor who spoke today talked about how he has a religious thought everyday sometime during class. It doesn't have anything to do with what they are talking about. But that would be so nice. I went through my classes in my head and the only one that I feel spiritually uplifted after is D&C-and, well, duh. I wish there was more of this.

But the part that was like a slap in the face was when he talked about not just making it through school. It shouldn't be like drudgery. We need to stop playing the system and cramming and regurgitating what we memorized. We are supposed to learn for eternity. Well, I do feel school is a drudgery. Even sitting in the Marriot Center listening the the talk I saw, a few rows in front of me, a girl sketching a picture of a little girl. And I felt this wave of... well, missing drawing. I miss drawing, photography, creative writing, all the fun classes that I don't have the money or time or credits for here.

I know, I need to do more of that on my own time, but I just don't enjoy my classes. I'm just not sure how to get excited about learning. I know not learning things well enough now will be bad in the future when I don't know what I'm doing in my career. Haha, or can't get a job because I don't know what I'm doing. And sometimes, when I think about it, it is amazing to be here. I should enjoy it and make the most of it. And to think I only have a year left... but doesn't everyone regret they way they spent their time in _______ (fill in the blank)? So really, I'm just living an essential life experience!!!