It's Ending

~If you don't make mistakes, you're not working on hard enough problems. And that's a big mistake.
~F. Wikzek

So, I move home in two days. I've been looking forward to this for a while and yesterday it started to sink in... that my "freshman" year is really going to be over. I think I am going to miss it-which is crazy cuz I haven't particularly loved going through it.

We had our last day of church in our ward yesterday. We were all released and they put in a new bishopric for next semester. We heard from the old bishopric-our bishopric-and their wives for sacrament. There was a lot of sniffling-especially when we sang "God Be With You Till We Meet Again" for the closing hymn. We then had testimony meeting for both Relief Society and Sunday School. It was saddening to realize I wouldn't see a lot of the people again. But then, it's not like I knew most of my ward-like a lot of people said of themselves in church, I haven't been very social.

I've learned a lot this year-more than I could ever explain in a blog post. And a lot of it is too personal to put in a blog post. I'd like to say it's all been worth it. And I guess it has. There are a lot of things I would have done differently if I could do it all again. Probably more than the things I would have done the same. But I guess that's how the learning process goes.

I got excited when I thought how I won't have to go to the testing center until January 2011 :) or how I will only be in school three of the next eight months! But then I got kind of sad. I like being in "the bubble" here in Provo. I love how everyone is modest, there aren't drugs and alcohol, there isn't swearing... I hear people talking everyday about missions, the temple, Family Home Evening, callings, the scriptures... I walk past classrooms and hear them singing hymns and reciting the Standard of Truth... or how we all had fun joking before our French final but when it came down to it, everyone wanted to have a class prayer before we started.

I've never been so close to the Lord, never read my scriptures so much, never felt the Spirit so often. I know I can take that with me but being here has made me focus more, grow more. I may not miss the messy apartment, the frustrating school work, my lack of a friends, or the loneliness on a Friday night alone in my room... but I will miss some important things.

I don't like school. I want to be done with the homework, papers, and tests as soon as possible-but I am glad I will be coming back to BYU next winter, glad I have another chance...

Exams

~Why Study For Exams.... Are they not about what you know, not about how much you can cram into your head the night before?

can't focus. Can't Focus. CAN'T FOCUS! Ya, that's about all I have to say. As I see it, I have no hope of feeling like I aced a test. I know that it's just a guessing game, a bs-ing opportunity, and that I will feel like crap the whole three hours.

...but, what does it matter? Haha, it's terrible but I just cannot get myself to care anymore. I haven't yet failed a class; somehow I manage to pass everything... I know, bad attitude-but that's alright. I'm mostly just worried about loosing my scholarship because of a bad GPA-that and an oral French proficiency test I have to take... ~sigh~ but it'll all be over in five days. Somehow.

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(I'm not entirely sure where the picture is from but I think it's graphjam.com)

Stress Quote

So, I went home yesterday for a much needed break-which was so awesome. But then I came back and decided I just don't really care about school anymore and can't wait to move home. Haha, I did go to a study group and a study session and spent a while in the library studying-though every time I sit down to do it I get a major headache-ugh!

Anyway, seeing as I can't seem to be positive lately-and have taken a four hour nap and watched several TV shows in stead of studying, here is a quote I really like:

~One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.
~BertrandRussell

Take it as you will :)

Library

~Sometimes it's important to work for that pot of gold. But other times it's essential to take time off and to make sure that your most important decision in the day simply consists of choosing which color to slide down on the rainbow.
~Douglas Pagels

So, it did snow-sad day :/ No, it's fine, and it melted! So, I am officially done with classes! Haha, the next time I will go to class will be in mid-September in Paris!

As I am having a hard time focusing on studying, I decided to go to the library today. I usually get a lot done there but lately I've had a hard time. I haven't ever wandered the library looking for the best place to study but generally the first floor is pretty quiet. I would guess that's why I fell asleep after only forty-five minutes of studying.

Now, I thought I was safe. I have fallen asleep in class once in my entire life. And I've always thought it was a little weird that people fall asleep in class-and all over campus. I just wouldn't be comfortable. And the class always gets a laugh out of a snoring classmate. I only slept for about ten minutes but then I couldn't focus and all I could think about was taking a nap.

It didn't help that there was a couple at the next table whispering and sitting all close and being annoying. Call me bitter if you want but I think it's really irritating when couples come to a silent section of the library and don't shut up. Back scratching also drives me insane-in church, in class, in the library, and even at volleyball games. Ya know, I should probably just stop there.

I'm just not creative with titles...

~I find I always have to write something on a steamed mirror.
~Elaine Dundy

All right, so I'm not doing very well at writing every day. I dropped everything this weekend-besides watching TV shows-to do a course project for my Modern American Usage class. It was very enlightening reading Deborah Tannen's You Just Don't Understand! but took way too long :)

I am so ready to be done with school. Sadly, I know I will miss it very soon. I am officially done with homework! All I have left are three classes and six finals... which means a lot of studying. And while I can make myself get all of my assignments and essays done, studying is not my strong point. Studying gives me nothing because, honestly, the things I study just don't show up on tests. And somehow I always manage to talk myself out of studying as much as I know I should. Tests are all about guessing what the teacher wants-yes, even essay ones-they look for the four key points they wanted or whatever else.

So, I have started early on my procrastinating! I'm just so proud! ~rolls eyes~ It's kind of ridiculous really. But, as always, I will manage somehow.

I move back home in less than two weeks! Yes, I was excited to move out, but I am excited about family and the clean floors and the clean dishes and the locked doors... and it means school is out for a while :)

Oh, and I started to get excited about wearing shorts-and it rains :) Of course! But I love rain too and right now I would love to go play in it and not care if I get soaked! Sounds like so much fun... and, as long as it doesn't snow, I'll live :)

Thesis

~You never will be the person you can be if pressure, tension and discipline are taken out of your life.
~James G. Bilkey

The last two weeks' lack of a regular sleep pattern caught up to me a little last night. But then... after my four hour nap... I stayed up for two hours and still couldn't get back to sleep. Haha, I've always hated that feeling when I wake up with homework scattered around me, in my jeans, at three in the morning, and realize I had three more assignments I really should have done.

I totally love the nice weather! I actually wore shorts today-though it's supposed to rain in two days, I know. Yesterday I sat outside for two hours reading. It was a little chilly, but worth it. And now I have a wonderful start on my yearly farmer's tan :)

So, I've spent the week working on my Left Hand of Darkness essay. Yes, I procrastinated. Yes, I allowed for a crapy rough draft in hopes I could change enough so my teacher would be happy with the final. I have to say I quite enjoyed the book. It was about a planet called Winter and a human who goes to live there to convince the people to join in a sort of alliance among planets. The most intriguing thing has to be the fact that the people on Winter don't have genders. So, seeing that as an obvious-yet very interesting-topic, I wrote on that. Also, the book I am reading for my English Language course project applies-and adds another reference.

My paper is currently unorganized but I have to say it has a lot of interesting information. In class yesterday we got into three groups and read parts out loud. Of course, my group had the teacher-the other two had girls from the writing lab. Everyone was reading their opening paragraph and then a few other paragraphs. I was stopped after my opening paragraph and received at least five minutes of criticism from my teacher and classmates.

Ya, I know the thesis paragraph is important. But I struggle with them. I usually do that last because then I know what I said-I think it is better to shape one sentence or paragraph to the whole paper than to only use information that fits that one sentence for the entire paper-if that makes sense.

After that not very fun experience, I was thinking. I think too much. But I had to apply it to life. Hmm... this might be hard to explain. To me a thesis paragraph is your pitch; you're simply telling the reader what the paper is going to be about. (I honestly hate when that paragraph goes on for two pages... no need to put all your evidence in there-that's what the rest of the paper is for) It only scratches the surface.

It's like with people. We feel we can look at their appearance, their name, where they are from, and what they are marjoring in and make assumptions. Of course, this list changes depending on the situation. Maybe that's why people don't seem to like me-my "thesis paragraph" sucks.

Then again, I think I do the same thing all too often. Even in just the last week I've talked to several people and got to know them beyond the titles. People become more real. My seminary teacher junior year said, on more than one occation, "If you don't love someone, you don't know them." I've found that to be pretty true. Sometimes it's just hard to get to know someone.

(Also, thanks to Brae, I have managed to change the background. Still deciding if I like it though so it might still change :) )

Small Talk

~Even a mistake may turn out to be the one thing necessary to a worth while achievement.
~Henry Ford

Well, with two papers to finish tonight, I don't really have much creative-ness to put into this :) Sad day, I know. My one research paper's rough draft was due Tuesday...until I walked into class and found out it wasn't. They really need to do something about teacher's emails not going through. So, it's due tomorrow. And while I was grateful for more time, I didn't use it. And now it's almost eleven and I'm starting on those last three pages...and organizing and bs-ing so it sounds good enough :P

I do have to say, I was never really aware of how much of a blessing small talk is. I realize this kind of contradicts my last post, but it's more like, starting to talk about the assignment for class and ending up talking about more important things (or less, depending on how you look at it-things that actually pertain to life though). Like after French today, I was helping a girl in my class figure out what quizzes she needed to find and we ended up talking for forty-five minutes.

I'm generally so stuck on my schedule and doing what I'm supposed to, when I'm supposed to, that it's nice to get a break from my everyday routine. Things like study groups and that half hour of French speaking each week and getting together with my study abroad group... wow, all of those things have to do with French. Haha, I guess French is really good for me :)

Geez, I feel like I just ramble with no organization on here... maybe I'm saving it for my essays...

Greetings

~Action is a great restorer and builder of confidence.

Inaction is not only the result, but the cause, of fear.

Perhaps the action you take will be successful;

Perhaps different action or adjustments will have to follow.

But any action it better than no action at all.

~Norman Vincent Peale

Alright, so, I find blogs more interesting with pictures, and I realized I hadn't put one up in a while. Story: I got a laptop for graduation! I honestly don't know what I'd do without it. My desktop had been having lots of issues and I didn't really use it anymore. Well, the computer had actually been my brother's and needing a sixth computer, he took it to his apartment sometime in the fall (haha, I don't really know how many he has, and I'm not trying to be rude). He backed up all my information and I finally got it. I'd been doing fine without it, so it hasn't been a big deal.

Anyway, I found this picture of me with my parents before the Sterling Scholar dinner last year :)

Totally different topic, I have paid attention lately to what people say when they pass someone they know or only talk for a minute. It generally goes something like this:

"Hey, how are ya?"

"Good, how are you?"

"Oh, good..."

Ya, that's about it. Kind of sad really. I say good no matter how I am really doing. Why? Because "how are you?" is something we blurt out all the time and most people don't really care why you are having a bad day. Besides, you're a downer if you say you're "bad" when you just pass someone-you don't have a chance to explain. Actually, you're always pretty much a downer unless you say "good" or "great."

I realize these things are necessary. I do it automatically. It's how our society is. And really, if we didn't make this seemingly pointless small talk, if we only talked when it was necessary and always said exactly what we thought, social interaction would be kind of depressing-not that it isn't sad that we lie all the time...

Now I'm just talking myself in circles. I see how we need it but sometimes I just have to laugh at the way we talk :)

Endings

~Sometimes your greatest asset is simply your ability to stick with it longer than anyone else.
~Brian Tracy

I would love a show of hands of who has never flipped to the last page of a book before they got there. Yes, I know that's not very realistic, but it would be interesting. Against my better judgment, I've done it several times. Alright, maybe more than several-but that was a while ago.

Sometimes I just wanted to make sure my favorite character didn't die. Sometimes I had to make sure the one couple ended up together. Usually, it worked out like I had hoped. And knowing how it would end was comforting. Yet, I would still read through the rest of the book-I had to know how they got to the end.

And sometimes, sometimes I wish I could flip to the last page of my book-see who "survives," maybe what friendships lasted, and who ended up together. I've thought that would give me a comfort, just knowing. But I don't think it would. Sometimes, reading the last page of a book ruined the book-not always though, and those times it just made it a little less exciting, a little less nerve-racking, a little less captivating.

Yes, I can say tomorrow I'll go to class, I'll read in the library until someone annoys me or I start to fall asleep, and I'll avoid doing homework. But I don't know what we'll do in class or who I'll talk to. I don't know what will happen to annoy me or how long before I almost fall asleep-maybe I will fall asleep in the library-wouldn't that be fun. And I don't know what I will find to keep me away from my homework. And I don't really want to know, until it happens.

It's kind of exciting when you don't know. The anticipation of something is usually better than the something itself. So I don't want to know where I'll be in a year, don't want a glimpse of myself in five years. It would take away from what I'm doing now. Haha, and while this doesn't seem all that exciting now, I guess it kind of is :)

Gotta Love It

~People seem to get nostalgic about a lot of things they weren't so crazy about the first time around.
~Author Unknown

You've gotta love snow in April! Actually, I got kind of sick of everyone today talking about how it was Mother Nature's April Fool's Day joke. And as much as I actually want spring weather this year, I think everyone who moved to Utah needs to stop complaining about Utah. I know, it's BYU. But if you hate the bi-polar weather so much you can leave. That's a little harsh... but it just gets annoying sometimes and this winter hasn't even been that bad.

But one thing I really do love is that feeling when you turn in an assignment. It's amazing! I know I talk too much about school though so I won't go into that. I also love the excitement of going home for the weekend! I totally need a break. But I still have to get up early tomorrow (before nine is early anymore-don't judge) to take my French test at eight-which I am so not ready for either. Alright, so I have a hard time not talking about school :P