Research Papers

I have actually started two research papers a week before they are due. This is probably a good thing as they are both due on the same day and Wednesday would be a long night. It's interesting how neither of these papers are things I ever expected to write an essay on.

First, for my Writing Literary Criticism class we are studying 'Twilight' for the entire semester. I still find that strange. Seven page paper on the topic of my choice regarding 'Twilight.' As of today, all of my research has been directed towards a paper on how 'Twilight' portrays unrealistic views of love and gives teenagers impossible expectations. I never thought I'd say this but there really are so many interesting things I could talk about in 'Twilight' from the angle of critiquing it. We have talked about the Mormonism side of the book, the teen girl brain as well as the masculine side of things, the teenage depression, societies ideas of love and relationships, Byronic heroes, vampires in general, and abusive relationships. I have read the series several times and never considered these things. So many people read books and don't take them for more than a story. Honestly, it frustrates me, looking into all the deeper meanings of books I just want to enjoy but at this point, I need to for class and I figure 'Twilight' at least if fairly well ruined for me. Though, researching and trying to find quotes for my paper, I got caught up in the book and read for at least a half hour. Maybe it's not as bad as I expected...

Second, I have a paper for my British Literary History Class. It is only three pages, which really means you have to be that much more careful and make every word count. Picking the easier of the two topics, I will be writing a paper on a symbol in 'A Christmas Carol' and analyzing how it suggests a solution to a social problem. We are studying writing from the Victorian Age and apparently writers did such things often. I have decided to use fire as my symbol. But, seeing as I am a procrastinator and surprised I am even starting a paper a week early, I have no idea where that paper is going. The scary thing is, this teacher doesn't seem to take B.S. For my last essay as well as my test, bs-ing didn't seem to cut it.

I am interested to see where these will go but also excited that they are officially started. (researching is a form of starting in my mind-it is an entirely different item on my To Do List)

Weather

I love cold weather!!! Rain is amazing-especially the smell after a storm. It's so pretty and clean. A good thunder storm makes my day, even my week, that much better. Those are the kind of days I want to put on my pajamas, curl up in a blanket, sit by the window, and read a good book!

Snow is also amazing, though, lately not so much. It is gorgeous when it's falling down-the flakes riding the air currents and leaving the world wet and white. The only problem is when the snow doesn't melt and turns black and nasty. I personally believe snow is so much better in the fall. It leads up to Christmas and the warm, cheery feelings. Right now, while I love snow, I have this strange case of Spring fever.

If I had to list the seasons in order staring with my favorite, it would go like this: Fall, Winter, Spring, Summer. I would much rather be cold and be able to bundle up than to be hot and have the only relief be swimming or sitting in front of the cooler. And yet, I can smell Spring in the air. Totally sounds like a cliche but it's true. Yes, it snowed/rained today, but it's been nice lately. I can't wait to walk around barefoot and not have to wear a jacket, coat, scarf, gloves, and boots everywhere I go. Can't wait to sit outside as the sun sets and read a good book or watch my nieces and nephew swim in the backyard. To eat popsicles and not have the sun set at five thirty.

Yes, I dislike the heat. No, the air conditioner in my car doesn't work. (Well, it sort of does but the car shakes so much I am afraid to use it) But while I enjoy the rain and the snow, I do look forward to Spring and Summer. (and not having to go to school might have something to do with it :P )

Tension

There are few places that I can think of in which I can feel tension as if it were tangible. For one, well, it's more of a situation. There are some Sundays, sitting in Sacrament, were you see how things are going and you just know there will be extra time. Those are the days you pray for the speakers to keep going or an intermediate hymn with five verses and a chorus. The bishop gets up with ten minutes left and you wouldn't mind going to the next meeting early. When this happens I go over reasons in my head-like why I would be one to have to go up. After a youth conference or girls camp they tend to call participants up-things like that. As of yet, I have not been called up which, in my mind, means my time is coming.

It's hard to describe the feeling in the room. It's almost like it is hard to breath, like the whole room is holding its breath, everyone sitting stiff. (And the bishop drags out the suspense...) This tends to happen a lot in my student ward-I would guess it is because we are used to giving 3-5 minute talks, not 7-10 :)

The other thing that easily comes to mind when I think of tension is the testing center. It is a terrible place-though I do prefer it to timed tests in class when you can't pick what time you take it. My Book of Mormon teacher joked last week about the testing center having twice the size janitorial staff so they could wipe all the prayers off the ceiling.

Walking into that building your stress level automatically goes up because that feeling of tension is so heavy in the air. You pass people in every corner, along every part of the wall, and even up the stairs desperately cramming. Sometimes I just want to plop down next to them and try to cram myself. But I know it would do me little good as there comes a point when more studying will only help you forget. The first time I walked into the room you actually test in, I was amazed at its size, the amount of people at all the desks, row after row crammed together. Even when you pick a desk and sit down, the people next to you could have been there for hours already. It's the heavy sighing, everyone sifting in their seat, the rustle of papers in the large room and high, empty ceiling.

But I am grateful I can look up, trying to remember vocabulary words in French-how to say doll, teddy bear, or 'to do the dishes'-and see the inspirational pictures and the picture of Christ. I'm glad some of that tension goes away, that I can focus. I can honestly say that every test I have taken there I have written things I didn't know I knew, fixed verbs I didn't know I wrote wrong, do better than I would have without the Lord's help. I may not get straight A's, I may still feel the stress and tension circle around me occasionally, but thank goodness it doesn't last.

Public Speaking

Public speaking in one of the biggest and most common fears people have. I don't entirely understand why, even if I totally understand the feeling. I gave a presentation today in my English Language class on the use of 'than.' Now, it was only a five minute oral report done with a partner and practically layed out for me in a power point. But I have worried about it for the month and a half since I realized I would have to give one. Don't even worry, I still have a dialect report in April to stress over :)

Well, I didn't worry about it everyday or anything. But when I seriously thought about getting up in front of my class my stomach dropped. The class isn't very big-probably around forty people-but they are all older than me. I don't know this for a fact but I am fairly positive. Most of my classes have people at least a year or two older than I am. They seem to know so much more-I am hoping this is because of experience and in two years I will know as much :) I am conisdering this as a reason it scared me.

But what about everyone else and every other situation? Is it the fear of public humiliation? The whole, 'everyone makes mistakes' thing doesn't really seem to be a comfort. I think part of it is the blank faces staring at me. For some reason I hate people looking at me when I talk-at least in large crowds. I have trouble keeping eye contact with people when I am talking to them one on one. But that's just me...

When I really think about it, it shouldn't be that bad. Speaking in sacrament meeting you can basically read what you wrote-ignore everyone there (though, it does make it more interesting when you look up-but even then you can blur the faces), conducting a meeting there are certain things to say-you can even write that down to look at. Really, I just don't understand this issue I myself have.

So, being in school and having to research and back up everything, I looked up the top phobias in America. 'Public Speaking' wasn't on there, but 'social phobia' was. I've never heard of this site and have no idea how accurate it may be (it actually has a disclaimer that it is not approved or anything, but I found it to be interesting.) (http://www.phobia-fear-release.com/top-ten-most-common-phobias.html)

Like this site says, when it talks about social phobia, people are afraid of what others might think, afraid of being seen negatively. I think it's kind of sad that that is such a big fear-even for me.


'To be happy, we must not be too concerned with others.' -Albert Camus

Change Your Mind

This last fall I watched every 'Summerland' episode via YouTube. I really enjoyed the show but it was like a lot of TV shows we watch. You enjoy it while it's on and forget about it almost as soon as it's over. But there was one thing, one scene, one conversation that stuck with me.

Try as I might I cannot find the quote online and I don't remember which episode it was in but Callie was talking about when she moved to California. She said that she was excited to be able to create herself again in a place where no one knew her yet. But she turned out to be the same person she was before.

I guess I've felt like this before in my life. Going into high school I wanted to be a different person. I was going to be outgoing and talk in class and make friends and be myself-or what I considered myself to be. I have to say this endeavor worked to a certain extent. I did make friends, I ended up talking in class (though to my friends, passing notes and whispering-not asking questions and sharing my opinions), and I was more like myself. It was a step in the right direction. There were still people who new me from middle school; I still had the image of the shy girl. But I felt better about myself.

College, for me at least, is not what it is portrayed as in...well, I don't really know where I got my image of what college was going to be like-but it's different. I, again, was going to change myself. I guess I thought I could get away with less work than I should have put into it. Things kind of just came together in high school that way. I was going to be happy and talkative and be involved and make lots of friends. But I turned out to be the same person I was before. Really, I was more outgoing in high school-but only when I was with my friends. By now, I feel like my image in kind of set. I know how I am with my family and friends but I have no idea how to transfer that to how I am with other people.

Didn't really know where I was going with this but I was thinking about a song just the other day. It was a song I found on my younger brother's MP3 player that I was borrowing and I think my older brother put the music on it. However it happened, the song, 'Change Your Mind' by Sister Hazel came on one day. I guess it's best to be happy with who you are even when you want to change-happy but not content-if that makes sense. Change can come slowly but be happy with who you are where you're at :)

Change Your Mind

Hey, Hey
Did you ever think
There might be another way
To just feel better,
Just feel better about today

Oh no
If you never want to have
To turn and go away
You might feel better,
Might feel better if you stay

(Bridge)
Yeah yeah
I bet you haven't heard
A word I've said
Yeah yeah
If you've had enough
Of all your tryin'
Just give up
The state of mind you're in

(Chorus)
If you want to be somebody else,
If you're tired of fighting battles with yourself
If you want to be somebody else
Change your mind...

Hey hey
Have you ever danced in the rain
Or thanked the sun
Just for shining-just for shining
Or the sea?
Oh no-take it all in
The world's show
And yeah, you look much better,
Look much better when you glow

(Bridge and Chorus)

Hey hey
What ya say
We both go and seize the day
'cause what's your hurry
what's your hurry anyway

(Bridge and Chorus)

Literary Criticism

All through school we are taught to find 'deeper meanings' in everything we read. Like the author really meant to put all those little details and multiple layers and meanings of things based on their colors. So many people look into such things that I could Google 'color meanings in The Great Gatsby' and come up with everything I could have needed on the subject.

As an English major I knew I would have to analyze books and papers and do all those things I've been doing for years. But, see, those were all books I didn't care about. They were books I would have never read for pleasure and therefore I had no problem ruining any chance that they could have had to be entertaining by analyzing everything. This semester I have a 'Writing Literary Criticism' class that focuses solely on Twilight. Now, I know it isn't the best book from a literary stance and all that. I hear the jokes in every one of my English classes. I don't care. I enjoyed the books-read them many times. I don't think I can ever read Twilight for pleasure again though.

This class has warped my view of the book-and much of literature for that matter. And sometimes I think seriously about my goals to write books. I don't want people to rip them apart and dwell on what social problems can be understood through my writing or how my Mormonism affects every aspect of a story. I have read several books and essays based on understanding Twilight and looking into if it is healthy for Christian teens to read or what it says about our culture's view of love or what we can learn from comparing our 'broken' and human families to the Cullens. Who cares? It's a book. Yes, it may be interesting to someone studying culture. Yes, I can see how they would think it beneficial for English majors to understand. But oh how I wish I didn't have to know.

Actually, that goes back to our unit on women and how they are naive and wish to be left in the dark on everything. Yep, that's why I am in college. That's why I'm studying the meanings behind literature. But seriously, I don't think we are all as messed up as our liking a book makes us out to be.

All right, sorry, on a little rant there. Basically I think it is silly for people to be able to write books criticizing other books. Let books be. Let readers enjoy their books. I prefer to analyze books read in schools for that purpose.

New Foods

I am the pickiest person ever. No lie. I can't tell you how many times I have gotten into conversations where people list off foods and have the same surprised face after each food I tell them I have never tried or don't like. Usually it's that I haven't tried it.

I have never had a hamburger. I don't eat vegetables and don't recall ever eating a salad. I have never had soup and don't use fry sauce, ketchup, mayo, or any other kind of dip. The closest I go to such things is dipping my Wendy's chicken nuggest and fries in my chocolate frosty. I could go on and on but I, personnally, am sick of this conversation.

Today, I ate a carrot. Now, I know this doesn't sound like a big deal. It is. Okay, so I used to eat carrots but I think the only appeal was that I got to pick them out of the garden-and I liked the crunch sound they made :) But honestly, trying new foods is a big fear of mine. I literally shake and freak out and all that fun stuff. Two years ago I came up with a New Year's resolution for myself: try one new food a week. See, I do realize that I have a problem and I do want to fix it. Well, it went well for about two weeks. I did try a tatter-tot-with fry sauce on it! It took me all lunch period to work up to it though. And I haven't had another one since.

While I am thoroughly sick of my regular bagels, Cup of Noodles, Spagettios, cheese sandwhiches, and cereal ,I am comfortable. Back to that carrot I ate-it was nasty. I ate the whole thing just to prove to myself that I could. It was like dirt and other tastes I don't know if I can describe. Yes, I know some foods are acquired tastes. But how do you stick with it until you are used to food that tastes like you're eating your front lawn until it's... normal?

Quotes

Junior year of high school my friends and I kept a quote book. It had interesting saying like,


"The only reason organic things are organic is because they aren't sprayed with the stuff that cleans of the animal pee... but heck, animals eat healthy anyway."

"...yes, we're compatible, our children won't die off."

"Then you get the weird ones in there-who wants to eat a window?"

"I think Prom is a sign from the devil that we are going to die."

AND

"My mind is like a black room full of cobwebs and spiders-but the spiders are very smart."


......but one turned out to be pretty profound, "If my life were a book..."

I don't remember what was going on or why it came out but I do remember that I quoted it a lot that year. We even went through each person and predicted what would happen if their lives played out with them as characters in books. I don't think any of us were particularly excited aobut how our story book lives would go. To be honest, they weren't all that 'story book' like. But then, if our lives turned out that way, we would have been happy. How many characters have the life they expected? How many times do the couples hate each other at first and fall in love by the end?

I think irony has a lot to do with it. Irony can be such a frustrating thing, but it also makes life more interesting. Movies such as, "10 Things I Hate About You," "Two Weeks Notice," "27 Dresses," "How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days," and "The Proposal" all have characters who you would never expect to be together. But then, we've been reading and watching these stories for so long we CAN guess who will end up together.

Irony is, 'an outcome of events contrary to what was, or might have been, expected.' Yes, we did plan things out, but I don't think that can count as 'expected.' I had no say in the way my friends predicted my life would go. But I don't think they really expected it to happen anyway.

While I can find many parallels between my life and ironic twists from movies I can't see my life going the way we planned junior year. I can't see my friends' lives following their paths either. But I would laugh pretty hard if our lives turned out that way.