Status

Hi, my name's Bergan and I'm a Facebook-aholic. No, I don't think that's an actual word but it works for me. As January 2009 started I had a few friends who had a New Year's resolution to only get on Facebook every other day. I listened to them talk of how difficult it was and just didn't understand. It wasn't until a month later that I finally somehow convinced my parents to let me get a Facebook myself. Thirteen months later, I can hardly go a few hours without getting on. I went home one weekend in January, hung out with some friends, and we ended up having a sleepover. By midnight it had been at least six hours since I had been on and we took turns passing my laptop around so we could all get our fix.

Now, I try to only update my status every day or so. Some days I have a ton of things I could say; others I don't know that I want to share what's really going on. I don't really like the comments of 'what's wrong?' and 'it's okay, be happy.' They sound cheesy and I have a hard time believing everyone really wants to know. So, I put up a quote or lyrics to a song that I happen to have listened to all night as it fits my mood perfectly. And sometimes, this doesn't work.

Back in January I put as my Facebook status one night: '~how is it that you can care so much about something and have it not matter one bit?'

Now, I am not going to explain what I was feeling that night. I do remember but I put it this way for a reason. I just have to say, I feel like this a lot. How is it that we can care and want to do something and hope for something and it doesn't matter? Maybe not that no one cares but that it doesn't change.

I am a shy person. Anyone who has ever been around me can attest to that. It's no secret. Not many people have seen the real me and I think I scare some that have. I can be generally sarcastic (often interpreted as rude) and not very many people seem to understand my sarcasm. I can be loud and not think about what I am saying-which isn't always a good thing. I am random and not afraid to look stupid when I can just be me. There is the hyper, out of control me that doesn't come up often and I'm not going to go into that :)

I am thoroughly sick of being shy. I have to say it sucks-besides the whole people thinking you're smart because you haven't opened your mouth to prove them wrong yet. When you know you're not smart it's almost just depressing :) But every time I am social and feel like I'm getting better something happens and I feel like I'm back where I started, feel like I'm back in eighth grade. Back then I could go a whole week of school and not talk to a single person there. Everyone ignored me and I got comfortable ignoring them. Group projects and All Star games were rough but I convinced myself I didn't care. Since ninth grade I've been better but some days feel like eighth grade.

Sometimes I wish I could somehow compare the way I am now with how I was a year ago, two years ago, my first day of high school... I want to know how far I really have come. Maybe it's not far but it is something I am willing to hear the blunt honest truth about. Maybe that's because I know it will never happen.