Scattered Thoughts

~It is not the cards you are dealt but what you do with them that counts.

~Anonymous

I had an amazing weekend :) Probably one of the best, if not THE best, since I moved to BYU. It was also very thought provoking, but I'll get to that. First of all, I love this weather-as in the weather this weekend-though it is currently overcast and rainy and that's usually my favorite. And how it stays light later! It's pretty much amazing.

Friday I went grocery shopping and did homework-yuck! Haha, I went to three of the four matches(?) of the Men's Volleyball game and then pretty much gave up on homework and watched "Star Trek" (good movie). Saturday I got to sleep in and convinced myself I deserved the weekend without homework (like that was hard). I got to see my sister and her family and go to lunch with them-even if I didn't eat :) And we went to a park-it was so nice outside, I would be happy if it didn't get more than ten degrees warmer than it was on Saturday all Summer!

Saturday afternoon two of my best friends came up to visit me! It was great just to be able to talk to them and eat junk and watch movies and laugh... If there's one thing I miss about high school it would be seeing my friends every day. One friend goes to the U of U-BYU's rival school. There was about as much reference to that fact as I expected :) Sunday we went to church-I don't know that I've ever had such a hard time focusing! Haha, I normally get mad at people who whisper... We also went to my ward BBQ for 'dinner' (3:30 just seems like a little bit of a weird time for dinner) :P and they had to go before it got too dark.

Wow, that was a quick overview :) So, I realized something this weekend. Well, probably several things as I am still sorting out my thoughts and I'm not entirely sure where this will go yet. I really thought I was done with high school. Haha, yes, I graduated. I mean, done missing it, done wishing I could go back and fix things, just done with it. I don't know that I would want to live it all over again. They were some rough years. I guess the only thing I really miss is having friends-talking during class, having people to eat lunch with, to wander the halls with, to go to things with. I miss seeing people I recognized all over school and knowing more than half of the people in my classes.

When I got my Associates Degree I looked back at all those classes I took and didn't remember I thing I 'learned.' All those concurrent classes, all the homework, the tests, the essays, the late nights, the going in to talk to teachers... The most important part of almost anything is the people. I look back on that concurrent Chemistry class I should not have passed with some fondness because I had a friend in the class (and the fact that we took chocolate and sugar cubes many days). And that Psychology class I also shouldn't have passed (geez, how did I graduate?!) that I enjoyed because I had a friend to ignore the professor with while we talked and colored-and even got out early and nearly got in trouble for 'sluffing.' It's like how the best part of the holidays is being with family. It's the people that make things worthwhile.

I also felt this weekend what it was like to really be myself here at college. I realized how fake I've been for the last six and a half months. But when you hold up a 'fake' image for that long, it just becomes the you you are in that situation. My world of the quiet, out-of-the-way, ignored girl clashed with the person I am with my friends. I became the person I am with friends :) I felt...alive...not numb. From leaving campus Saturday to being with friends I realized how dull my life has become, how boring I am.

Yes, I feel like I've changed a lot since high school. I can do more things by myself. I've learned things and met new people and had entirely new experiences. But in my struggling to keep my grades above F's (and failing-no pun intended) I let go of that social-ness. When I came to college I was going to be the person I am around friends and family from the start so people wouldn't stereotype me as the quiet, awkward girl. But see, I'm that person I want to be when I'm comfortable. And I'm not comfortable around new people or in new situations.

Wow, this is turning out kind of depressing! Haha, that's not what I mean at all. It's all been very enlightening. I also realized something else that's fairly interesting. It's all fine and good to think you like someone. And then maybe you write about it in your journal where no one will see it. But when you actually tell people who you like, you have to know you like them, to be comfortable with that fact. I don't know that I really want to go into that more but it's made me think lately...

Anyway, those are my scattered thoughts from this weekend :) I know I didn't do them justice but I'm still working through them myself.