"It is not the ctitic who counts: not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes up short again and again, because there is no effort without error or shortcoming, but who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, who spends himself for a worthy cause; who, at best, knows, in the end, the triumph of high achievement, and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who knew neither victory nor defeat."

~Theodore Roosevelt

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Plagued By Doubts

~While I thought that I was learning how to live, I have been learning how to die.
~Leonardo Da Vinci

Just trying to dig my way into a deeper hole by writing this paper for British Lit. So, from what I understand, I have to pick a text we've read. Then I have to read critical papers on that text. I have to find one that I don't agree with or seems weak. And, I have to argue with it. Two-page paper...

But the whole time I'm reading or trying to plan my paper or thinking up arguments I'm just imagining the comments in the margins of my paper. I can see them. In her messy handwriting. About how that's not really what he was trying to say or how I didn't take the argument head on or how she just doesn't understand what that sentence meant...

GAH!!! I just want to scream. I've not yet in my college career seriously considered not writing a paper. Especially not a two-page one. Two pages=10% of my grade. Are you kidding me? I was working this out in my head. Not doing this paper would take me down to an F. I have little hope of getting up very far at this point. I could fail the class. Take it over. Lose my scholarship. Take out loans. Be in debt for the next ten years...

I know I'm being dramatic, but one paper should not have such an effect on my life!

I'm plagued by doubts about my ability to write for this class. The prompts are not normal. I do not even understand what she is looking for! How the heck am I supposed to please her? Huh? And it is about pleasing her. Granted the university is supposed to teach me how to learn and be successful and write and whatnot. Well, turns out I'm learning to be successful by jumping through hoops and people-pleasing.

But I've known that's how things worked for a while... high school... middle school... I just try not to think about it or it really makes things depressing.
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