Just Do Something

~Everyday there must be something I can't do, otherwise it's boring.
~Monet Robier

Being consumed by homework, I have found time goes by all too quickly (as in I should have gotten more done last night) but this week has taken forever! Haha, and yet, it feels good to be productive.

And, I am amazing myself with how I am handling this week without chocolate. Alright, I have one bar of chocolate-but to eat it would be to officially run out of chocolate. So, I was eating spoonfuls of my frosting (meant for that cake I am too lazy to bake-and prefer not to bake in my kitchen due to its constant state of grossness) and laughed when I saw the nutrition facts. Uh, more like "lack of nutrition" facts. But hey, it's the end of the semester... and I swear I am going to start working out when I move home.

Change of gears. So, I have been working on being productive-quite a necessary thing this week. And I've found that I can plan as much as I want when to do what homework. But I spend more time planning than doing homework sometimes. So I contented myself with just doing something. Granted I will be up all night working on a paper that wasn't the something I have buckled down to do, but I have finished exactly 60 things on my to-do-list this week as of right now.

I argue with myself that it would be better to wait and read that chapter at the library because while I am home with my computer I can do my online research. But then, I don't want to do online research... so I spend some time on Facebook, reading blogs, watching YouTube videos, and writing in my journal. Oh, and then I don't feel like going to the library :) And nothing gets done. I do hope I can maintain this "just do something" mindset for a while...

Sorry I'm Negative

Finals Week

Where fun goes to die

Coming to a school near you

~Facebook Flair

(I know it's not finals yet-but I liked the quote and I can feel them coming)

Honestly, all I can think about right now is homework. Well, that and finally being done with homework :) Only ten more days of classes! Oh, and I found out today I have three finals on one day-the last day of finals, in fact. I'll have BOM 8-10 am, Modern American Usage 11-2, and British Literary History 8-10 pm. At least I have all finals week to study...

Last week before my ELang. class started everyone was talking about the end of the semester and everything that comes with it. Someone stated something I totally relate to. They said that you get so much done that you think you deserve a break, but you don't have time to take a break because you have so many other things to do. Ya, obvious, I know. But really, the last day and a half has felt like a week. I seriously thought today was Thursday when I woke up.

I'm thinking I can get everything done if I don't sleep for the next three nights-maybe. I honestly can't see how it'll all get done. I totally let my literary criticism paper go and sluffed class because I haven't even done any research yet. I just keep reminding myself I only have just over three weeks left.

Happier note! I am actually ahead when it comes to my ELang. course project :) It's almost half way done and not due for two weeks!

Gratitude

~Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch it to be sure.
~Murphy's Law

It's going to be a stressful next two weeks...oh, and then finals' week. First off, I have to say I love Sundays-especially Fast Sundays. I love the break from homework, the change in pace, feeling the spirit, feeling hope and happiness... And I hate how it fades so quickly.

Yesterday we were singing "Count Your Many Blessings" in Relief Society and it really made me think. A year ago January we had a family home evening during which my mom gave us all a notebook and challenged us to write five things we were grateful for each day. It was really fun and enlightening. I couldn't repeat anything and I learned how to turn my bad days around and see blessings-no matter how small.

I did this for several weeks and quit after the week we spent in the hospital. I felt that I had too much to catch up on, too many blessings to list. I kind of regret stopping, my days were a little happier when I did it. But singing that song yesterday made me think of the good things right now. Yes, I have so much homework, tests, and papers that it makes me want to curl up in pajamas and eat chocolate and watch a movie when I think about it all. But here are a few blessings, things I am grateful for right now :)

-My family-all they do for me and how much I know they care about me-even if I'm not around a lot. I love them so much!

-My friends-haha, I don't see them much but when I do it's like it was when we saw each other every day.

-The Gospel-I don't know what I would do without it. I know everyone says that, but it's true. It's what gets me through all my trials and helps me know it'll all be okay.

-The weather lately! Yesterday I went out and sat in the grass with my roommates and read. It felt so nice outside-it feels and smells like spring! But also, I love the rain, so it's okay that it's not all hot yet :)

-All the credits I have behind me-I am glad I finished my Associates Degree already because looking at another two years of college with what I already have would be discouraging.

-The opportunity to go to France-I am super scared and often don't think I can do it, but I am excited at the same time and know it's a chance to learn a lot and grow.

-BYU!!! I love the environment here :) Yes, there are interesting comments and jokes and cliches about dating and everything else. "Overheard @BYU" on Facebook is an excellent example of how strange BYU students can be-but I love it!

-Going home for summer-I can't wait to be around my family more and be able to relax. I've never been so excited about summer-the shorts, popsicles, reading for fun, naps, the trampoline, going on walks, even the swimming pool-not generally my favorite thing.

-General Conference-I am so excited to listen to Conference!

-I'm even grateful BYU doesn't have Spring Break-it means I get out earlier than most other schools and sometimes it's easier to continue when you don't have a break. Like how it's harder to start hiking again after you've taken a break.

I could list tons of things-but I need to get back to that homework that will hopefully, someday, become the belssing of a degree (haha, if I pass!)

Frustration

~Character is what emerges from all the little things you were too busy to do yesterday, but did anyway.
~Mignon McLaughlin


I just have a question-how in the world do I talk myself out of everything?!

Maybe I should explain a little. See, I think too much. Ya, a lot of people say that, but it's true. Sometimes I really enjoy just thinking-you find out some interesting things about yourself. But then, sometimes you find out some scary things too :P And then I start talking to myself... I do that way too much. Like, with sarcasm and everything-it can be amusing though.

I've always considered myself pretty good with money. I don't just go buy whatever I want-though I don't always just buy what I need either. But grocery shopping for myself... let's just say I get home and can think of at least two or three things I wish I would have let myself buy. Like, it's Easter time, right? And I LOVE the Cadbury Carmel Eggs. I bought a bunch when I was home last-in fact, all I bought on that shopping trip was chocolate... didn't last long though :) Well, I've been telling myself for days that I could get some if I went shopping for things I needed-paper towels and Clorox wipes and soap. Well, I got what I needed today... and somehow convinced myself I didn't need or shouldn't get chocolate.

Sad day. I'm out of chocolate frosting, Smuckers fudge, candy bars, and Cadbury Eggs. Dang! Haha, and somehow I paid twice as much as I normally do at the store-and I didn't go full-out grocery shopping or anything. I swear it used to cost less to feed myself for three weeks than it does when I go to the store every week or two now. (though, paper towels and other necessities are overpriced in my opinion)

And then there's just the simple everyday act of talking myself out of homework. Haha, that one's not as hard to figure out. I just can't figure how I can manage to waste four or six or eight hours and get one assignment done. Just doesn't make sense. Like now, I have a "Par Ecrit," an"a l'ecoute," a whole book to read and critique and give examples for-chapter by chapter, an "Annotated Bibliography," an eight page paper on The Left Hand of Darkness, a capture on an article for that eight page paper, and a French test I really need to get better than a D on this week. How in the world have I managed not to do any of it? Well, I've done at least 15 things on my to-do-list this weekend, but it hasn't even made a dent.

Alright, that was kind of just a rant. But I have to say, I really do frustrate myself sometimes...

Ballet

~In life, as in dance: Grace glides on blistered feet.

~Alice Abrams

Alright, I had a whole other blog post written. It was a fast one and maybe I'll post it on another day but today I want to talk about dance. It's long but there is so much more I could write...

When I was three years old my parents put me in ballet and tap-I don't know why but I will always be grateful for it. Over the years I went to four different studios and did tap, jazz, hip hop, and even gymnastics. But ballet was the only one I stuck with every year.

It was always my dream to get pointe shoes. They were beautiful and I wanted to be just like the older dancers at my studio. And I remember how excited I was that Saturday I got my first pair. We got them in the summer and it was a few weeks before we wore them in class-and every day I would get them out and look at them and try them on. Looking back, I was so young; I can't believe I had pointe shoes then.

When we started wearing them in class we were so excited! I was on pointe for five years. It was always exciting to be able to do something new on them or get farther over in my arch. But they were painful. There were days when we had several hours of class we knew we would be on pointe. Some days we would wear flats and hope our teacher didn't make us change.

Taping my toes was never particularly fun, though I liked that I could do it, that I knew what it was for... made me feel like those older dancers... My feet always hurt though. I had ingrown toenails, I developed a bunion, and I had tendonitis in my ankle. But it was worth it when I could dance in them, when I got better at one thing or another. And I guess I kind of got used to the pain, it gave me pleasure knowing I worked hard.

I love the feeling of being sore. It means I did something difficult, something that is strengthening me. I loved feeling my muscles stretch and the control I had over how I moved. My mom used to comment on how she thought I liked the strictness of ballet. I'd have to say I agree. I loved that there were certain places my arms and legs and head were supposed to be-on certain counts. And I knew the steps-especially barre exercises-so well I could let my mind focus on stretching and tightening and holding myself like a dancer.

When I was at school I always had dance moves running through my head. I would dance around the kitchen at home. It was never far from my mind. I never imagined doing anything else with my afternoons. Dance was always better than school or watching TV or anything else that may have occupied my time.

You know, I was never very good. And I'm not fishing for compliments or anything. I've seen video of myself dancing. I used to watch other girls in my company, amazed at how they danced. I wasn't flexible. Honestly, I never got down in my splits-it was humiliating when we sat in our splits because I was always the highest off the ground. I was never fully over my point shoes-despite stretching my ankles day and night during homework or watching TV. And I hated smiling-it always looked fake because I was focusing on dancing. I was fine smiling while performing-but not at myself in the mirror.

But I have to say I was always progressing-even slowly :)

I miss it-all the time. I try not to think about it really. I danced for 13 years. I was only going to dance through high school, but I hated quitting after my sophomore year. I'd always hated how some girls would just stop showing up, never come back. I didn't know how you did that. But I found out.

That summer after tenth grade I had a job at Custom Events-they put on carnavals. I loved that job. But one day, about a month and a half after I started, I hurt my knee. It was stupid really. I was working on hair coloring. We had a table set up and a box with many cans of paint in it (it's amazing how much paint you can go through in three hours). I was working with one other person and we'd set up a system. We had a bag for all the tickets the kids gave us that we had put in the box. I leaned down to put some tickets in and heard my knee pop twice. It moved left and then right and everything went white. I didn't feel well but I'm not one to complain so I kept working. I limped all over the feild that night picking up cones and rolling cords. My knee was swollen twice the size by the time I got home. I sat alone in my room that night and iced it and bawled. I knew then I wouldn't dance again.

I wore a brace to work the rest of that summer. I didn't go to the ballet summer program-in fact, I even babysat for my ballet teacher one of those days they had class. When September came I went back and forth with thinking I could try to dance to knowing it wasn't worth it. Not that dance wasn't worth it, but that it wasn't worth hurting my body so much. My knee still hurts sometimes.

That night it happened, I listened to my MP3 Player-listened to the song called If You Want Me To by Ginny Owens. Even now I believe there was a reason-though I'm not entirely sure what it was.

Ballet taught me a lot of things though-a lot of things I couldn't learn without it. There are the obvious things: it kept me in shape (something I really miss :) ) and it gave me an extracurricular activity. But I learned a lot about friendship too. There was a closeness in my company-something that comes from going through hours and hours of work together-sweat and blood-literally. I grew up with those girls-many of us spent all 13 years together. It was the kind of thing that came from being in something together. We were a team. Backstage is something that will always amaze me :) How we all helped each other get ready-sharing make-up and hairspray and bobby pins and lip stick. Making sure we had all our accessories and changing our hair scrunchies between dances. It was the joy when another dance class in the studio would win a competition or helping them clean their dance. It was the Saturday practices, the late nights, the long dress rehersals and playing 'Simon Says' in the hallways backstage. It was sprinting in tutus and pointe shoes because you almost miss your entrance and tip-toeing behind the backdrop during a performance. And I don't think enough words would ever give it justice.

I learned about discipline-but also how to have fun. I learned how to, not break the rules, but use them to my advantage-how to move in the correct positions and yet make a dance my own. I learned the value of repetition-even if sometimes it wasn't so fun. I learned all that went on in preperation for one night, one show. I may have gotten nervous backstage but when those lights were on me, when I danced on stage in front of a full auditorium, I felt alive.

I miss it-all of it. Even the painful parts and the steps and stretches I used to dread. I miss looking forward to it and getting lost in the music. I miss the girls-and find myself kind of jealous of those still back at Rocky Mountain Dance. I may have hated having to quit, but I will forever be grateful for those 13 years I was able to do ballet.

Unwritten

~Footprints on the sands of time are not made by sitting down.
~Anonymous

I absolutely love the song Unwritten by Natasha Bedingfield. Part of it, I have to say, is the happy beat but I also really like the words. Yes, it repeats a lot-and rather than figure out where it cuts and repeats exactly I just put the whole thing below. I really liked this song in high school. I like how it talks about how, like, anything can happen from this point on, nothing is set in stone. It's almost like life is a book you're writing for yourself.

I remember one day when I was trying to do homework with a friend and we cranked up the music on my MP3 Player. This song came up on shuffle. We laughed pretty hard at the line "staring at the blank page before you" as we were thoroughly stuck on whatever subject it was we were working on and had written nothing. I would guess it was Chemistry...

But it also went along with our lives being like books and how once we got out of high school we would be able to choose to do whatever we wanted. I am comforted by the idea that what I am doing now hasn't somehow decided the rest of my life for me. Yes, it has an impact on it, but I can change :) And it talks about how no one else can experience your life for you-how you need to experience it to its fullest for yourself. I also kind of like how it relates to how I want to write. Right now I think being an essayist sounds fun. I just don't have the imagination to create a whole book-I can't fathom it. Though, I will publish at least one book-it's one of my major life goals!

Unwritten

I am unwritten, can't read my mind, I'm undefined

I'm just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned

----------

Staring at the blank page before you

Open up the dirty window

Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

----------

Reaching for something in the distance

So close you can almost taste it

Release your inhibitions

Feel the rain on your skin

No one else can feel it for you

Only you can let it in

No one else, no one else

Can speak the words on your lips

Drench yourself in words unspoken

Live your life with arms wide open

Today is where your book begins

The rest is still unwritten

----------

I break tradition, sometimes my tries, are outside the lines

We've been conditioned to not make mistakes, but I can't live that way

----------

Staring at the blank page before you

Open up the dirty window

Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

----------

Reaching for something in the distance

So close you can almost taste it

Release your inhibitions

Feel the rain on your skin

No one else can feel it for you

Only you can let it in

No one else, no one else

Can speak the words on your lips

Drench yourself in words unspoken

Live your life with arms wide open

Today is where your book begins

----------

Feel the rain on your skin

No one else can feel it for you

Only you can let it in

No one else, no one else

Can speak the words on your lips

Drench yourself in words unspoken

Live your life with arms wide open

Today is where your book begins

The rest is still unwritten

----------

Staring at the blank page before you

Open up the dirty window

Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

----------

Reaching for something in the distance

So close you can almost taste it

Release your inhibitions

Feel the rain on your skin

No one else can feel it for you

Only you can let it in

No one else, no one else

Can speak the words on your lips

Drench yourself in words unspoken

Live your life with arms wide open

Today is where your book begins

----------

Feel the rain on your skin

No one else can feel it for you

Only you can let it in

No one else, no one else

Can speak the words on your lips

Drench yourself in words unspoken

Live your life with arms wide open

Today is where your book begins

The rest is still unwritten

The rest is still unwritten

The rest is still unwritten

Cleaning

~The man who wins may have been counted out several times but he didn't hear the referee.

~H. E. Jansen

Today I was really thinking about how much I love my mom :) I am extremely grateful for all she has done and continues to do. And while there are a million things I could say on the subject I just want to talk about one.

A lot of changes came with moving out. New city, new school, new classes, new ward, first calling, not knowing anyone, grocery shopping, finances, doing the laundry, washing the dishes, taking out the trash, making sure there is enough hand soap, toilet paper, dish towels, paper towels, garbage bags, Clorox wipes, Ziplocs, dish soap...

Well, I like things clean, I do. Growing up my Mom always kept the house clean. For years this just seemed... normal? The dishes were always done, my laundry back in a day, the floors mopped and the tables and counters wiped down. When I started visiting friend's houses I was disgusted by how messy things were. There were crumbs everywhere and clutter and smells. Haha, no, it wasn't terrible, just not as clean. Since then I've laughed whenever my mom mentions how dirty her house is.

I probably shouldn't laugh. It really isn't messy, but I am glad she cleans. I love going home now and how clean and clutter-free everything is. Love how the microwave is wiped down and the floors don't turn my socks black. Love how I'm not worried about putting my towel on the bathroom counter or laying on the carpet.

I don't like cleaning exactly. I like having things clean though and sometimes I get the urge to clean... but I prefer to clean up my own messes. My apartment has dish days. This is a constant struggle for us. With six of us we each take a day of the week and we are supposed to rotate Sundays. Doesn't exactly work and I have Monday-which is fun :/ For the last two months or so we have tried to have everyone do their own dishes-not working. Not sure why either. Haha, and I have never seen so much recycling in my life! Even the row of recycle bins out our back door are often overflowing. Oh, and don't buy the cheap trash bags. It's worth two more bucks not to have it rip every time you try and take the trash out :)

The picture below is of our trash can (on the left) and our recycling bin (the... mountain on the right). You can't see the trash bag as it is about half a foot down the inside of the can-great fun, and it happens a lot. This was about a month ago but I'd have to say it is about two days worth of garbage and maybe a week's worth of recycling.




It amazes me how much of everything we go through and how fast everything gets dirty. It's frustrating as well. I would love to just clean things down as I go but living with other people there always seems to be another mess. Haha, not to be mean though. It is cleaner than it could be :)

When I go home I try to keep things clean more now and try to help do the dishes and what-not. I am grateful for growing up in a clean home and hope I can keep my future home as clean as my mom keeps hers :)