Bad Habits Got Me Here

So, it's been a while. Life's been crazy and I honestly hardly write in my own journal anymore. But I feel like I need some motivation and posting here is one of the ways I'm getting that.

I'm chubby. I admit it. I'm not in denial or anything; I just don't know what to do about it. I've never had to focus on losing weight before. From age 3 to age 16 I danced 3 to 6 days a week. I wasn't the most flexible and I wasn't the skinniest. I still had bigger thighs than I wanted. But I was in shape. I could walk up the stairs without getting winded like I do now. I could hike without feeling like I was about to die. It is honestly a miracle I made it through that 14 mile hike last month.

I quit dance and focused on school. Bad habits started. I stayed up till all hours of the night studying. I didn't get much sleep and I snacked my way through it all. I have recently noticed how bad my snacking is. I want to eat something, anything, even after I've just eaten. I could be bored or frustrated or upset or whatever else. And for as long as I can remember I've used food as a reward. If I cleaned my room I got to eat the candy bar. For each paragraph of my AP book I read I got a Nerd. So now I feel like if I go all day eating healthy I should get a bowl of ice cream and after I work out I should get to eat some chips.

I managed to stay a normal weight in high school. The summer after I graduated I started P90X. I loved how I felt after every hour long workout. I felt really good about myself. Then I moved to Provo. I had a small bedroom with no room to exercise. I didn't know how to cook anything besides grilled cheese and pasta. Not that I ate much else. I hated using the nasty, dirty dish covered kitchen. Needless to say, I gained the "freshman 15."

I moved home after my first year at BYU with good intentions to start P90X again and lose all the unwanted weight. I was excited to have my own room to exercise in. But I fell into staying up till 3 or 4 in the morning and sleeping in till after noon. I stacked the whole time. I stayed in pjs and watched TV. Three years of school full-time (summers and evenings--a diploma and an associate's) I needed a break. After a month I started dating my husband and a month after that I got a job. Then I was too busy to and tired to work out. I got up at 5:30, got home at 4:00, wrote in my journal, had dinner, sometimes took a nap, and stayed out till midnight with Spencer.

After six months I moved back to Provo--new apartment, new roommates, same situation. I moved home in the fall and started commuting to BYU, going to school full-time, planning my wedding, getting an apartment, moving in, and spending every free moment with Spencer. We even decided to see how much weight we could lose before the wedding... about two days after we weighed ourselves I stopped trying.

Here I am, summer of 2012, and I can't believe it's gotten this bad. I just finished my Bachelor's Degree and don't have a job yet. I started working out doing whatever I could think of a few weeks ago. I started drinking 8 bottles of water a day--which I only recommend if you can get to the bathroom every hour--at least. I feel like I'm drowning in water. But I feel more healthy for it. I am already a picky eater. I've tried to focus more on learning how to cook the last few weeks. It's difficult to focus on learning to cook anything I might possibly eat and keep it all healthy. I still snack lots but I've tried to eat healthy snacks. I've stopped eating after 8 pm--for the most part. etc, etc.

I've been reading up on losing weight and read somewhere that blogging can help. I think paying attention to what I'm doing enough to write it and sharing with other people so I feel responsible to more than just myself will help. That and I really needed to start blogging again.

I know I had a few followers before and am grateful to them for reading. I would love people to read as I post about how this is all going and would love comments--only nice ones though :)